Lardathon Day 10
Weight up a whisker, just normal fluctuations I think. The "shitload of beer" (c) Jogblog I had Sunday probably didn't help either. Still - not bad going.
Must admit I was a lardarse on July 10th. I spent the morning in Ikea, looking for a splashback for my cooker. All these modern cookers without the twiddly knobs at the back have a drawback - you get fat spitting all over the wall which is well annoying. So off to Ikea - not the Edmonton one where people get crushed to death, but the Croydon one, where they still have two chimneys rising like huge phalluses that are left over from the power station.
Incidentally, a Swedish friend tells me that Ikea is actually pronounced "Ick-ear", so all these lesbians wandering around with t-shirts saying D-Ikea (as in Dykier) actually have "D-ickier" on their fronts, which is ironic, and in the true sense of the word rather than the Alanis Morisette version that isn't really ironic. Although having said that, there's something ironic about a song called ironic getting the meaning of the word ironic wrong, in a meta-ironic way. Wooooo!!
Anyway - back to Ickier. They've changed the car park for some reason which makes it even harder to get into, but once inside they've changed the layout as well. I hadn't intended to get a new dining room table, even though I am a tad dis-satisfied with mine, but see a rather nice modern looking one that reminds me of one my great-aunt had that was Victorian and I loved 'cos it had clever slidey bits. They probably think it's a new invention but I know better!
Anyway - there was a sale on and the place was crawling with families with kids, which was annoying - why can't they stick them in the ball room eh? No announcements of "Can Mrs Bloggs come to the ball room please as your child is asking for you" over the tannoy, which roughly translated means "FFS Mrs Bloggs get here is quickly as possible, your scabby brat is screaming her head off and getting on our tits".
Anyway, I finally reach the splashbacks, and they're well cheap, and they've got glass and stainless steel, only I don't like the stainless steel ones as much but the glass ones aren't available in the right size. So I head off to magnet, where the sales person doesn't seem to want to sell me anything and just sits on his arse at the desk and can't even be bothered to move towards me when I ask a question to the extent where I nearly tell him to get off his arse. When he finally shifts his lazy carcass he tells me that their splashbacks are £149 (as compared to £12 in Ickier), so I ask about tiling, and he says that's even more expensive. I ask what's so special about their tiles as they'd cost about a tenner in B&Q and he says he can't answer that, so I tell him he's not much of a salesman as there's no way I'm spending fifteen times as much without good reason! He says I should go to the trade section round the back, which seems odd since I'm not trade, but I go and find some people busy on the phone which is annoying but more down to earth and helpful. They do have some glass splashbacks for £86, but we opt for tiling.
I ask how hard it is to tile as I've never tiled before, and he seems to find this uproariously funny. I have apparently "made his day". I was on the verge of saying "well I bet you can't program computers in about 20 different languages and write the faster 10 pixel 3D vector algorithm in the world on a SIMD processor that you helped design like I can", but somehow I suspect that would be lost on him. He was overall helpful though, so I join in the laughter at my own ineptitude at doing "man things" (well - this one at least, I'm quite good at others).
Anyway - after all this faffing, it's nearly time to head up to Jogblog's, where she's cooking me a gourmet meal. Loads of vegetables (well I guess you'd expect that from a veggie), and I even had to bring my own sweetcorn and pak choi. I'd never eaten pak choi before, and asking in Morrision's I thought maybe it was a deliberate wind up, but they pointed me to a green thing that looked vaguely like a leek. Then on the bike through the maze of London traffic towards Walthamstow.
The worst bit was the advanced boxes for cyclists. Those of you who run will know the annoyance of wanting to go fast but having slow running race for life stylee runners sit at the front and get in your way. Well that's basically what these boxes do. The cyclists go at the front, motor vehicles have to weave their way through them and overtake, and then at the next red light, the cyclists catch up and the whole sorry performance repeats itself. I do in all seriousness wonder if they're actually more dangerous.
Anyway - to Walthamstow and Jogblog, who accepts the vegetable offerings and sets about adding them to the delicious smelling concoctions that are in her woks. I resist alkyhol for half an hour and then crumble with a glass of wine with the food, which is top nosh and I very much enjoy. Then the treat of the night - banoffee pie. If you haven't try it then you really should - it has bananas in it so must be very healthy. Well - if you don't eat the 5000 calories of toffee and cream on top of the bananas that is! I am convinced Jogblog is trying to sabotage my Lardathon plans, but not wanting to be rude, I reluctantly accept a second slice.
Anyway - next morning, and my head is feeling a lot better than normal, and somehow I have agreed to take home half of the remaining banoffee pie that my gorgeous hostess has bestowed upon me!
Erm - I think I had better exercise!
Must admit I was a lardarse on July 10th. I spent the morning in Ikea, looking for a splashback for my cooker. All these modern cookers without the twiddly knobs at the back have a drawback - you get fat spitting all over the wall which is well annoying. So off to Ikea - not the Edmonton one where people get crushed to death, but the Croydon one, where they still have two chimneys rising like huge phalluses that are left over from the power station.
Incidentally, a Swedish friend tells me that Ikea is actually pronounced "Ick-ear", so all these lesbians wandering around with t-shirts saying D-Ikea (as in Dykier) actually have "D-ickier" on their fronts, which is ironic, and in the true sense of the word rather than the Alanis Morisette version that isn't really ironic. Although having said that, there's something ironic about a song called ironic getting the meaning of the word ironic wrong, in a meta-ironic way. Wooooo!!
Anyway - back to Ickier. They've changed the car park for some reason which makes it even harder to get into, but once inside they've changed the layout as well. I hadn't intended to get a new dining room table, even though I am a tad dis-satisfied with mine, but see a rather nice modern looking one that reminds me of one my great-aunt had that was Victorian and I loved 'cos it had clever slidey bits. They probably think it's a new invention but I know better!
Anyway - there was a sale on and the place was crawling with families with kids, which was annoying - why can't they stick them in the ball room eh? No announcements of "Can Mrs Bloggs come to the ball room please as your child is asking for you" over the tannoy, which roughly translated means "FFS Mrs Bloggs get here is quickly as possible, your scabby brat is screaming her head off and getting on our tits".
Anyway, I finally reach the splashbacks, and they're well cheap, and they've got glass and stainless steel, only I don't like the stainless steel ones as much but the glass ones aren't available in the right size. So I head off to magnet, where the sales person doesn't seem to want to sell me anything and just sits on his arse at the desk and can't even be bothered to move towards me when I ask a question to the extent where I nearly tell him to get off his arse. When he finally shifts his lazy carcass he tells me that their splashbacks are £149 (as compared to £12 in Ickier), so I ask about tiling, and he says that's even more expensive. I ask what's so special about their tiles as they'd cost about a tenner in B&Q and he says he can't answer that, so I tell him he's not much of a salesman as there's no way I'm spending fifteen times as much without good reason! He says I should go to the trade section round the back, which seems odd since I'm not trade, but I go and find some people busy on the phone which is annoying but more down to earth and helpful. They do have some glass splashbacks for £86, but we opt for tiling.
I ask how hard it is to tile as I've never tiled before, and he seems to find this uproariously funny. I have apparently "made his day". I was on the verge of saying "well I bet you can't program computers in about 20 different languages and write the faster 10 pixel 3D vector algorithm in the world on a SIMD processor that you helped design like I can", but somehow I suspect that would be lost on him. He was overall helpful though, so I join in the laughter at my own ineptitude at doing "man things" (well - this one at least, I'm quite good at others).
Anyway - after all this faffing, it's nearly time to head up to Jogblog's, where she's cooking me a gourmet meal. Loads of vegetables (well I guess you'd expect that from a veggie), and I even had to bring my own sweetcorn and pak choi. I'd never eaten pak choi before, and asking in Morrision's I thought maybe it was a deliberate wind up, but they pointed me to a green thing that looked vaguely like a leek. Then on the bike through the maze of London traffic towards Walthamstow.
The worst bit was the advanced boxes for cyclists. Those of you who run will know the annoyance of wanting to go fast but having slow running race for life stylee runners sit at the front and get in your way. Well that's basically what these boxes do. The cyclists go at the front, motor vehicles have to weave their way through them and overtake, and then at the next red light, the cyclists catch up and the whole sorry performance repeats itself. I do in all seriousness wonder if they're actually more dangerous.
Anyway - to Walthamstow and Jogblog, who accepts the vegetable offerings and sets about adding them to the delicious smelling concoctions that are in her woks. I resist alkyhol for half an hour and then crumble with a glass of wine with the food, which is top nosh and I very much enjoy. Then the treat of the night - banoffee pie. If you haven't try it then you really should - it has bananas in it so must be very healthy. Well - if you don't eat the 5000 calories of toffee and cream on top of the bananas that is! I am convinced Jogblog is trying to sabotage my Lardathon plans, but not wanting to be rude, I reluctantly accept a second slice.
Anyway - next morning, and my head is feeling a lot better than normal, and somehow I have agreed to take home half of the remaining banoffee pie that my gorgeous hostess has bestowed upon me!
Erm - I think I had better exercise!
posted by XFR Bear @ 10:17 am
4 Comments:
Cool post, we'll have you ranting as well as me in no time ;-)
But how many times do I have to tell you you're not allowed to go to B&Q!
She is trying to cheating well win! ;-)
Loved the story. Quite funny.
Thanks.
Pak choi is lovely, and not at all like leek
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